I Miss You, Mom!

Someone told me just after my mom passed away that I would now have a hole left in my heart that would never be able to be filled. She couldn't have captured the feeling any better. Today is the 4th anniversary of my mom's passing. It is such a hard day as I struggle each year with knowing the appropriate way to spend it. It doesn't feel like the day to me really celebrate her life, as it was in fact the day that her life here on Earth ended. Since it wasn't her wish to have a graveside for me to visit, going somewhere and leaving flowers isn't really an option. But each year, somehow, I manage to stumble upon a moment that is just perfect to think of and remember her. I believe that she knows that I am struggling to deal with all of this, so she gives me these little moments from heaven as a precious gift. This year was no different. Tonight, Susanna found a little toy kitten tonight buried in her closet as we were cleaning out and putting away some things. It just happend to be one that my mom had given to her, and named they had named it "Itty Bitty Kitty". Susanna just started chatting away about how happy she was to find the kitty and asking me if I remembered that Nanny had given it to her when she was a baby. This was a beautiful moment to share with Susanna to talk about her Nanny and how much we both miss her.   Thankfully, she did most of the talking so that I was able to hold back my tears. Thanks, mom!

Each year I on this day I have found myself wondering what she would think of the way my life is shaping up if she could come back and share some time with us. This year especially, I know for sure that she would be beaming! I think that she would be so in love with our new house and neighborhood. She would be excited that Susanna and Aiden finally have little friends to play with on our street and that they are in a wonderful school system. I think she would fall in love with our little Connor for sure.  His platinum blond hair and blue eyes would just melt her heart.  She would be putty in his hands, just as she was with Aiden! She would tell me that he looks just like a "Davis" baby!  (It is crazy for me to think that Aiden was just a little older than Connor when we lost her.) I know that she would be so proud of the little lady that her namesake, Susanna, is becoming. She would be glad to know that she is still dancing, and that she is on her way to recieving her First Communion this spring. I think she would be happy to see how thoughtful and kind Aiden is. I know for a fact that she would give me a long lecture about making sure that I am spending enough time with Aiden now that he is my middle child. She would remind me about her sister Sheryl and how she suffered with the "middle child syndrome" her whole life! She would be proud to see him in his little Cub Scout gear, and tell me that keeping him in scouts will pay off divends as he matures into a young man.

I think she would be happy that my dad is now on his own, and that I have managed to reconnect with my sister.  

She would love to seeing Steven! She would enjoy seeing the father and husband that he has become. She would tell me how much his own mother would love to see him, and how lucky I am to have a husband who loves me so much. She would remind me that she always knew that he was special.

 I know that she would be excited about some of the new opportunities that have come my way, but of course, she would be giving me a long lecture about spreading myself too thin and trying to do too many things at one time.

At the end of her stay, I think she would hold my cheeks with her hands and  say, "You're my girl, and you make me proud to be your mama!" Oh how I wish I could hear her say that! I know though that she is telling me that from where she is now. I just keeping praying that if I can listen hard enough I may actually be able to hear her.